As a child I'd lie in bed with open eyes. My mother had told me that Jehovah's people would suffer worse than anybody else ever had. I would imagine increasingly violent forms of torture while hoping Jehovah would remove my ability to feel the pain. I became obsessed with predicting how I would be tortured, possibly murdered, and I practiced how I'd pray as I was eaten, dismembered, whatever.
I was afraid Jehovah wouldn't protect me, I was afraid Jehovah would kill me. I used to tell Jehovah I loved him repeatedly in prayer. I go back and forth whether I meant it or not. We lie best when we lie to ourselves. I have realized the superficiality of my former relationships with my family, and "friends."
I was taught hatred and told it was love. I was born, and raised in constant fear, without healthy boundaries, and comfortable with abuse, and dysfunction. I was conditioned to accept abuse, and disrespect. I'd like to say that I am above being conditioned. I still have moments where I miss my mother. Why? She doesn't like who I am, she doesn't accept who I am. When I reached out to her during the lowest time in my life she filed a no contact order against me, painted me as a monster, and ignored me when I was homeless, without a car, divorced, and estranged from my child. I know she sides with people who were abusive toward me. What am I even missing?
It's a problem without a solution. I will most likely never get closure. It feels unnatural, painful, and uncomfortable. #EXJW #inCULcaTed
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