2/3, 1/2, & 30/30 (Jehovah's Witness Suicide)

In 2012 two Jehovah's Witnesses I grew up with committed suicide. My congregation barely seemed to notice. People frequently called them crazy or said, "That's what happens when you leave Jehovah." I wrote this poem and put it into a drawing because what else can you do with something that horrific?

Wide eyed, grinnin' alabaster bastard. Brain matter Rorschach splatter, pondered, familiar and shattered.

Easing into this detrimental idolization like a weighted, draggin' razor.

Humdrum erosion of my consciousness braille déjà vu labyrinth evisceration.

That idyllic, fleeting moment of clarity. It's gotta be difficult once you're at the precipice…and it is.

Threw myself into the abyss of absolutes. Twitchin' tick burrowing through my trippin' tumor mind.

Thoughtless words, obsessive thoughts, I thought I understood what I was taught.

Gettin' strained, gettin' taut.

227 minutes of R.E.M. Credulous disbelief. No epithet beyond, "That guy was a mess."

Obvious and typical.

Hackneyed Rhetoric.

Yeah…all righty.

Pretentiously tranquilizing my ego with grandiose phrases.

Hackneyed verbiage soothing my sunburn like a grater. Drywall face bubbling out those uneven craters.

Banal words recited verbatim. No erosion just evisceration. Ruminations…clattering…cluttered…dulled.

Chiseling at my skull. Fragmented ism…familiar schism.

My George Eastman idolization is? Innovator, entrepreneur, philanthropist…oh yeah and bang!

So destructive, yet so inspirational. Is it selfish to end your misery? I say it's selfish you say he should have stuck around.

Eight words, a signature, and kiss 'em goodbye.

That's my kind of fella.

Is this intelligence indicative of intellectualism?

Am I desperate to distort this desperation?

Meh.

A shot in the heart is still a shot in the dark.

'Cause who wants to fail and blow into a straw? Trying to navigate your kamikaze wheelchair down the stairs?

A younger me might say, "I can't shoot myself in the heart. It's broken into pieces!"

Pathetic, sophomoric phrasing that irritates in hindsight.

Forget the past and everyone in it.

A powerful statement yet melodramatic.

The hole.

Feel myself slipping.

You always fall and bottom out at the beginning.

Reaching out but I'm running out.

Handful of nothing.

Feed the line that spools out right to the bottom.