Destiny

I wanted to change. Jehovah's Witnesses called me a "sinner." Alcoholic's Anonymous said I had a "spiritual malady." Jehovah's Witnesses call me an "apostate." Alcoholic's Anonymous calls me a "dry drunk" -- says I'm "terminally unique."

Even if I had been something I didn't have to always be that thing. I weighed 300 pounds in high school. People can change.

I couldn't get over the similarities between the two groups. When I said I didn't ever want to drink again I was asked, "Are you planning a relapse?" I was told my thinking was "alcoholic." As I stayed sober I was eventually told "You must have never had a real problem. I'm a real alcoholic." I was told I couldn't rely on myself, that I thought too much, and that I needed to quit asking questions. I was also told the evidence that AA wasn't a cult is that people had joined and become sober. I knew people whose lives improved by becoming a Jehovah's Witness. I decided to research and compare the two groups.

Both groups fit Dr. Steven Hassan's Bite Model of Authoritarian Control. Both groups control members behavior, thoughts, information, and emotions.

1. Love Bombing. Both groups stress the importance of acknowledging newcomers. Jehovah's Witnesses are routinely instructed to greet new people at their meetings. 12-steppers say the most important person in the room is the "newcomer."

2. False sense of knowledge. Both groups say that all people can benefit from their path and way of life. Inside of both groups I was inundated with advice about my life from people who had never experienced anything similar. Jehovah's Witnesses have elders. Alcoholics Anonymous has sponsors. These people are not qualified to deal with the trauma they routinely encounter.

   
   

3. Kept on a hamster wheel of activity. Neither group acknowledges that you cannot pour from an empty cup. You must always be giving to the group. Both groups say members must give what they have received freely to others and encourage service and donations.

   
   

4. Us vs. Them mentality. There are Jehovah's Witnesses and "worldly" people. There are 12-steppers and "normies."

   
   

5. Shaming. Both groups use shaming terms. Jehovah's Witnesses are "imperfect." 12-steppers are "alcoholics." Members refer to themselves with these negative terms repeatedly in these groups. Dissenting Jehovah's Witnesses are called "mentally diseased," and "despicable." Dissenting 12-steppers are called "dry drunks" and "terminally unique."

   
   

6. People don't join when they are happy or content. I don't know a single person who became a Jehovah's Witness or joined Alcoholic Anonymous when their life was going well.

   
   

7. Anger and sadness. Jehovah's Witnesses told me that I need to put on the "new personality" mentioned in Ephesians 4:24 and Colossians 3:10. I needed to grieve my father's death. Alcoholics Anonymous told me that a Higher Power of my choice could remove my "defects of character." I needed to process my father's death. I think the reason these groups don't want you to be angry is because they are often filled with people who have trauma. Since anger is one of the stages of grief, how can you ever leave if you never grieve?

   
   

8. Don't trust yourself. Jehovah's Witnesses told me that I had a sinful inclination because I was a "sinner." Alcoholics Anonymous said I had an "alcoholic mind." Both groups encourage you to tell on yourself and others, and require confession.

   
   

9. Purity culture. Jehovah's Witnesses only sanction heterosexual married sex. 12-steppers must take a moral inventory which includes a sexual inventory. Inventory is the wrong word because nothing positive is included in the list.

   
   

10. Fear based. If you leave Jehovah's Witnesses, it's likely Jehovah will murder you at Armageddon. Alcoholics Anonymous says if you leave it's likely you'll end up in "jails, institutions or death."

    
    

11. Fostering co-dependency. Both groups encourage dependence using a bait-and-switch. Jehovah's Witnesses dedicate their lives to Jehovah, but they must obey any new whims by the Governing Body to remain in the group. 12-steppers are told they can have any Higher Power they want, even a light bulb. A light bulb cannot hear their prayers, confessions, or remove their character defects. A sentient Higher Power is mandatory.

    
    

12. Questions. People in both groups told me I thought too much and to stop asking questions.

    
    

Many people discredited my perspective before telling me about their Higher Power. What they didn't understand is that I had described my personal relationship with Jehovah the same way. I wanted evidence.

(If you want to learn more about AA read The Orange Papers.)

For a time I existed out of spite. I frequently found myself untangling knotted thoughts aloud during casual conversation. Writing was my first step into a new life. Whatever crazy ideas I had I found people who supported me. I found kindness with "worldly normies."

"Mentally Diseased" became the first book in "The Apostasy Trilogy." I helped crowdfund the release of "Witness Underground." I used my trauma to create "Despicable" -- a work of fiction and a step toward the type of writing I wanted to do. I published "Sisu: Desolation before Motivation" in my father's memory.

I reconnected with old friends I made online -- with my muse. I messaged her to tell her that her poems were in "Gangrenous Speeches." We speak every day and next year she's coming to meet me. My mother told me to throw away my writing -- she coerced me to cut off the first person to compliment my writing. I continue to write.

I don't know if you make your own destiny or not -- next year I'll meet the girl from the future. She's always felt like destiny.