There were things I wanted to change about myself. I never addressed them. I prayed. I waited on Jehovah. I drank. I lost my faith, mother, friends, wife, children, home, car, my standing as a law abiding citizen, and my ability to do work I had done for 11 years. I lived in an unfamiliar place. Jehovah's Witnesses had told me I was a sinner. Alcoholic's Anonymous told me that I had a spiritual malady. I no longer believed in sin. I saw no evidence of a spiritual malady. When I asked questions I was given answers that were unsatisfying and similar to those I'd received as a Jehovah's Witness. I had been reduced to less than a cinder. I had my clothes and my laptop. I only knew a handful of things about myself:
I used to weigh 300 lbs.
I've had art displayed.
I've sold art.
I've performed stand-up.
I decided to redefine myself. I knew I was determined, I knew there were people that would pay for my art, I knew that I had done something that terrifies most people, and I knew that I liked to do and say controversial things. On my laptop I found my old writing -- it almost seemed prescient. I did something I had never done before -- I decided I would make something happen no matter what. I would publish a book. After learning about traditional publishing and self-publishing I decided I would hire people and oversee every aspect of the process and publish independently.
I edited my memoir 10 or 15 times before I hired an editor. I reread my poetry to find a poem to put before each chapter. I was confronted with cruel things I had said and awful things I had done. I decided I wanted to be the kindest version of myself. It felt somewhat easy since I planned to kill myself after publishing. The poetry I didn't include in 'Mentally Diseased.' became 'Gangrenous Speeches.' I used a vignette to form a chapter in 'Despicable.' 'Gangrenous Speeches' has poetry I wrote for a girl I met on the internet. I used to call her my muse. I messaged her to tell her that her poems were in a book now. We've spoken every day and next year she's flying from New Zealand to meet me. Life is odd. When my mother would tell me to throw away my writing I never could stomach the thought -- it felt important. My mother convinced me to cut off the first person to encourage me to write. It's crazy that we could speak for hours when I was a deluded cultist and we speak for hours now. If it weren't for insomnia and chat rooms I never would have met her. I'm writing '11:11' for her. I'm developing 'The Boy Who Loved a Monster' for my son. I'm writing 'The Book of Micah' for myself. I don't know if destiny is real or if things happen for a reason.
I used to feel shame for who I was when I read my memoir. I made a lot of mistakes within a lot of messy situations. It can't have been any other way. I no longer look back. The past is a hellscape of pain. I love my son purer than I ever could as a religious zealot. I get to write whatever I want. I get to meet my muse and immortalize her in writing. Life is crazy. My life has been insane.
Next year I'll meet the girl from the future. #exjw
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