Navigating Grief Outside of Jehovah's Witnesses

My father's death and my subsequent depression defined me for over twenty years. Over those two decades I experienced denial, bargaining, and depression -- mostly depression. During that time I tried to be the best Jehovah's Witness I could be so I could see my father again. I had the year he died tattooed on me. I made a painting on the ten year anniversary of his death.

"A Son Without a Father, a Father Without a Son"

Outside of Jehovah's Witnesses I realized I had meandered through life, I had squandered opportunities, and I had no reason to believe I'd see my father again. I published Sisu: Desolation before Motivation on the day he died. It was an homage, an accomplishment to assuage my pain, and a way to help people -- which he would have liked.

I had felt angry for a long time but I'd never been sure why. As I deconstructed I felt anger toward my father for not questioning his beliefs and leaving me alone with my mother. Eventually I was able to accept what happened. I had always wondered what my life could have been like with him alive. How pointless -- it can't have been any other way. He might have left the "truth." He might have treated me worse than my mother did. I'll never know. Questions without answers leave me confused at times but I accept what happened. It took 29 years for me to get through the five stages of grief.